Good, Giving, Game (GGG)

January 7, 2024 Mary Cipriani

By Mary Cipriani, LMFT (mcipriani@sdicouples.com)

GGG is a term coined by sex columnist Dan Savage to represent the qualities that he thinks make a good sexual partner. GGG stands for "good, giving, and game." Think "good in bed," "giving of equal time and equal pleasure," and "game for anything—within reason." We think Dan Savage may be right—there are benefits to being GGG. The motivation to meet a partner’s sexual needs are not only good for the partner but can be good for us and can help keep the spark alive in long-term relationships. If you struggle in this area, we can help.

The Scientific Case for Marriage and Couples

July 25, 2019 Mary Cipriani

By: Mary Cipriani, LMFT

For adults, a stable, happy marriage is the best protector against illness and premature death, and for children, such a marriage is the best source of emotional stability and good physical health. Decades of research have clearly established these links (Burman & Margolin, 1992; Dawson, 1991; Verbrugge, 1979).

Secure relationships are not the icing on the cake but are integral to our well being. We can not escape that it is a core part of our nature to need other people - to long for a secure attachment with another, to reach out to another for acceptance, to love another person in return. All human beings are looking for a safe relationship where we know our partner has our back, and science is showing us this is true from the day we are born until the day we die! God is our most dependable source for a secure relationship and He wired us to have a need to be connected to others as well. Who are the secure relationships in your life?

#SDICF We know how to help you have secure relationships.

Habits that Connect Couples

May 11, 2019 Mary Cipriani

By: Bucky Bateman, LMFT

I am.

Let's put the kids down.

Have a light dinner.

Shower.

Maybe not drink so much.

And do that thing I would rather do with you than with anyone else.

Lie in bed and look at our iPhones.

- John Kenney (poet)

This John Kenney poem hopefully gives you a chuckle and illustrates the modern struggle in our marriages. Remember the days when you were young, in love and you’d rather stay up and talk for hours with the one you love more than anything else. One of the joys of being in a long-term relationship is that we have someone who knows us, supports us and has our back. It’s far too easy to disconnect from each other and find a false sense of connection through our phones, screens and an evening or weekend media binge. We live in a world longing to connect but forgetting how to do it well. Here are some tips to foster connection in your relationship.

· Take time to connect in the morning

This might be asking a lot for those who are not naturally morning people. Pausing, looking each other in the eye, or snuggling up close and greeting the other person into the day goes a long way to building a connection.

· Find a way to let your partner know they’re on your mind

Our days can be burdensome and busy. A positive of having a phone is we can send a quick text, forward an article, video or song that made you think of your spouse.

· Take a deep breath before you walk in the door

At the other end of the day, an evening routine can often go sour when we come home with the day’s burdens on our shoulders. These can easily get put on our partner when we see them. Take a minute to take inventory of your inner world so you can be present when you arrive.

· Build a ritual into your day, week, or month that invests in your marriage

It’s challenging to find time if you haven’t planned it. Just like anything else, we build habits by developing rituals and repeating them. Build the habit of caring for your relationship in small ways. Prepare him/her coffee or tea, ask how you can be praying for him or her today, spend a few minutes before bed listening to a podcast and discussing it.

· Make a Date

With life pressing in, the first thing to suffer is often a regular date night. Making a consistent time, whether it be brunch, coffee, or a nice walk really does nurture your connection. Be active together, go learn something new together and do it regularly.

“Truth Before Change” (Attachment Part 2)

April 12, 2019 Mary Cipriani

Photo by Garrett Richardson - www.garrettrichardson.co

By: Megan Richardson, AMFT

The last blog post “More Than Just Skinned Knees…” talked about attachment. This is actually a pretty foundational theory for the therapists here at SDICF. It was developed by John Bowlby, a British psychiatrist who attended medical school AND did psychiatric training which included seven years of psychoanalysis...so the guy knew his stuff. This development led to some of the following concepts and is a basic tenet of the approach to therapy called Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) developed by Dr. Sue Johnson, which is the primary theory that our therapists at SDICF use in their work with couples.

The theory proposes that we develop our attachment style early in childhood as a result of our relationships with our primary caregivers, whoever those people were for us. This is often our moms and dads. When primary caregivers are abusive, when they leave, or even when they are just emotionally unavailable, they can leave us with huge wounds, or raw spots, and with an insecure attachment that can play into all of our significant relationships moving forward. Attachment theory conceptualizes four different styles of attachment: secure, anxious, avoidant, or disorganized. Though some of us might have seasons where we operate out of all four of them, we all typically have a “global attachment style,” meaning one that we mostly operate out of even when we are in more of a resting state, or not during a perceived crisis of some kind.

So why do we care about attachment and why does it matter what happened with my parents as a kid?

Well, it matters because it could be one of THE MAIN THINGS that affects all of your adult relationships, but particularly your relationship with your significant other. The goal is to have SECURE attachment because of the following…

When we feel generally secure, that is, we are comfortable with closeness and confident about depending on loved ones, we are better at seeking support AND better at giving it.
When we feel safely linked to our partners, we more easily roll with the hurts they will inevitably inflict, and we are less likely to be aggressively hostile when we get mad at them.
Secure connection to a loved one is empowering.
The more we can reach out to our partners, the more separate and independent we can be.

So maybe you do a bit more reflection or self-work and are a little freaked out because your attachment style does not fall into the secure category…do not be afraid of this. The amazingly good news is that our attachment styles CAN CHANGE. Just as humans can inflict some of the most painful wounds, humans can also be the greatest agents of healing in our lives. For now, it takes courage and boldness to face the truth about our past hurts, raw spots, and wounds. We have to recognize these truths and face their reality before we can take the steps to change, so take heart because there is always hope. And please reach out. #WeKnowHowToHelp.

"More Than Just Skinned Knees" (Attachment Part 1)

April 5, 2019 Mary Cipriani

By: Megan Richardson, AMFT

We all probably have at least a few memories of getting skinned knees as a kid: playing in the street with neighborhood friends, falling off of the monkey bars, climbing trees, or flipping over the handlebars (yikes)…anyone with me? But we also most likely have some deeper, sometimes hidden wounds from our childhood. These ones don’t leave visible scars but they continue to bleed into our adult lives from time to time.

Do you find that you and your partner have the same fight over and over again? When you’re honest, do you ever overreact to something that the other says because you are just positive that they meant to devastate you by it? Or could it be that there are older pains, scars from childhood or adolescence, that squeeze their way into our fights and our relationships? The truth is, we all have some raw spots stemming from past wounds. The masks we sometimes wear around others or post on social media may make everyone believe otherwise, but we really do hurt each other.

I’m talking about attachment...and the gist of it is that our early childhood experiences, especially with our primary caregivers (often mom and dad), significantly shape our “attachment style,” and our personal attachment style significantly informs how we operate in just about all of our future close relationships.

We all have some version of wounding, or past baggage if you prefer that language. Even our partners can cause us some attachment injuries. However, the beautiful hope is that similar to our skinned knees from childhood, these wounds can also be healed through healthy and attentive relationships. We can be healers and the primary empowerers for each other. When we are available, responsive, and engaged with each other, we become the safest space and the safest people. Those raw spots from our past and our present relationships get exposed, but then can start to mend, even when it might feel painful or slow. It is worth it and it matters. The therapists at SDICF want to help you and your partner along on that journey. Please reach out. #WeKnowHowToHelp.

The Scientific Case for Marriage and Couples

March 31, 2019 Mary Cipriani

By: Mary Cipriani, LMFT

#SDICF We know how to help you have secure relationships.

Are Married People Are Happier?

March 24, 2019 Mary Cipriani

Adam was the bomb! He had everything he needed in the garden with the Creator himself, what more could he have needed? Evidently God did not think that was enough. In Genesis 1 and 2 we see that God created woman from the side of man so that man would not be alone. Now let's look what modern day science is telling us.

Maggie Gallagher explains, "The evidence from four decades of research is surprisingly clear: a good marriage is both men's and women's best bet for living a long and healthy life." We can now see the research on this is very strong.

Leading social scientist, James Q. Wilson, explains: "Married people are happier than unmarried ones of the same age, not only in the United States, but in at least seventeen other countries where similar inquiries have been made. And there seems to be good reasons for that happiness. People who are married not only have higher incomes and enjoy greater emotional support, they tend to be healthier. Married people live longer than unmarried ones, not only in the United States but abroad."

For more information see: Linda J. Waite and Maggie Gallagher, The Case for Marriage: Why Married People are Happier, Healthier, and Better Off Financially, (New York Doubleday, 2000), p. 64. And, James Q. Wilson, The Marriage Problem: How Our Culture Has Weakened Families (New York: Harper Collins, 2002), p. 16.

Top Ten Tips for a Strong, Vibrant Relationship

March 18, 2019 Mary Cipriani

1. We are born to need each other. The human brain is wired for close connection with a few irreplaceable others. Accepting your need for this special kind of emotional connection is not a sign of weakness, but maturity and strength.

So don’t feel ashamed of this need for a safe loving bond.

2. In love relationships emotional hurt is a mixture of anger, sadness but most of all, fear. Fear of being abandoned, and rejected. This hurt registers in the same part of our brain as physical hurt. It is too hard to push these feelings aside or ignore them. The first step to dealing with injuries in love is to pinpoint the feeling and then to send clear messages about this hurt to the one you love

So don’t just “ignore hurts” with the idea that they will up and go away.

3. The strongest among us are those who can reach for others. Love is the best survival strategy of all. We all long for a safe haven love relationship. Self-sufficiency is just another word for loneliness.

So risk reaching out and fighting for this safe haven. It is the best investment you’ll ever make.

4. Relationships can survive partners being very different. Even if you think you are from different planets it’s okay. The one thing love can’t survive is constant emotional disconnection. Conflict is often less dangerous for your love than distance.

So after a fight, put it right. Repair it, heal the rift between you.

5. There is no perfect lover. That is only in the movies. We shut down when we think we have failed as lovers, when we have disappointed. But our lover doesn’t want perfect performance. In the end he or she needs our emotional presence.

So it’s okay to say, “I don’t know what to do or say.” Just stay open and present.

Last five (of ten) Tips for a Strong, Vibrant Relationship from Dr. Sue Johnson:

6. The fights that matter are never about sex, money, or the kids. That is just the ripple on the surface of the sea. They are about someone protesting, often in an indirect way that is hard to understand, the loss of safe emotional connection. The most terrible trap in a love relationship is when one person really wants to say, “Where are you? Do I matter to you?” but instead becomes critical and demanding and the other person feels hopeless and inadequate and moves away. The lovers then get caught in emotional starvation, stalemate, and more and more disconnection.

So do try to tell each other when you feel lonely and like you are failing at being the perfect partner, especially if you are having lots of fights about tasks. Look beneath the surface.

7. We only have two ways to deal with the vulnerability of love when we can’t connect. Get mad and move in fast to break down the other’s walls or try not to care so much, and build a wall to protect yourself. Which one do you do? You probably learned it very young.

So do try to listen to your longings and risk reaching to connect. These other two options are traps that drive your lover away from you.

8. A loving relationship is the best recipe for a long and happy life that exists. Holding your lover tight is the ultimate antidote to stress. Cuddle hormones turn off stress hormones!

So do take time to hold and canoodle. It’s better than taking your vitamins.

9. Lasting passion is entirely possible in love. Infatuation is just the prelude. An attuned loving bond is the symphony. This kind of bond creates what I call synchrony sex. Sex becomes a safe adventure.

So don’t give up when sex goes into a temporary slump. Talk about it. Making love without candid conversation is like landing a 747 without help from the control tower!

10. The key moments in love are when partners open up and ask for what they need and the other partner responds. This demands courage but this is the moment of magic and transformation.

From Dr. Sue Johnson

10 Myths about Emotions and Marriage

March 3, 2019 Mary Cipriani

By: Mary Cipriani, LMFT

Next time you run into one of these myths, make sure you remember the truth.

#1. “Happy couples don't Argue.” Even in the best relationships couples have arguments.

#2. “Men don't do emotions.” When one feels safe and you know what questions to ask and how to ask them… watch out!

#3. “Women are more sensitive then men.” Just not true.

#4. “Emotions are irrational.” Oh my goodness they make so much sense, especially in the context of relationships.

#5. “Emotions get in the way of making good decisions.” Dig deep into your primary emotions and they will not get in the way.

#6. “Your thoughts are in charge of your emotions.” The opposite is also actually true.

#7. “Painful feelings are always bad.” If you don't allow yourself to feel the pain, you won't feel your happiness very deeply.

#8. “Experiencing emotion makes it worse.” Actually it can make it better.

#9. “Emotions get in the way of making business decisions.” Again, like #5, only if you are reactive but when you dig deeper into your primary emotions you will find a lot of help making decisions.

#10. “Anger is always bad.” Anger is like the tip of an iceberg and it’s a sure sign that usually under the water is the deeper emotion. It's actually a signal that something deeper is going on.

This excerpt is from an article written by Dr. Brent Bradley and Dr. Jim Furrow (who we have had the opportunity to study EFT from.) If you would like to read the full article you may find it here: http://www.hitchedmag.com/article.php?id=1760#.Vqp-dqOxBe0.facebook

#SDICF We know how to help you!